Friday, September 12, 2008

THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE

- with a glass of champagne,
- with several glasses of champagne,
- with two lines of people opening bottles of champagne to form archways of sparkling wine in salute over you as you pass,
- with attendants holding tiny brightly-colored umbrellas to shield you and the box from the champagne as you pass,
- with crowds of people cheering and clapping,
- with small children scattering armsful of rose petals before you,
- perhaps even with people throwing strings of beads like at Mardi Gras,
- with people running forward to bestow leis, kiss your feet, or cense you with a censer, depending on your background and/or inclination,
- with heralds of trumpet fanfare,
- or possibly flutes,
- or even a ragtime band, to continue the New Orleans theme,
- throngs of paparazzi as you move out into the quad,
- and an honor guard with rifles,
- an entire parade following you, with marching bands, rose floats and the inflatable creatures from the Macy's Day Parade,
- or perhaps elephants trained to rear as you pass,
- a professional cryer going before you, shouting "Oyez, Oyez" and occasionally "Huzzah!",
- play-by-play and color commentators breathlessly describing your every movement as you begin to ascend the steps to graduate division,
- a quad of butlers and footmen in 18th-century court dress to unroll a red carpet before you as you ascend the steps to graduate division,
- a ceremonial pause for the eating of fine chocolate and the toasting of toasts (Bailey's is always good) before entering the elevator,
- bestowal of an ermine robe, tiara, bronze plaque and keys to the city in exchange for handing over the box,
- a feeling of infinite lightness when handing over the box can be represented through the release of a thousand pure white doves, massive fireworks display, or a flight of the Blue Angels in formation overhead, depending on the weather and wildfire hazard conditions,
- at the moment of signing the final papers, a wall of drab industrial file cabinets should slide away to reveal a gospel choir, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, or Tom Waits singing your benedictory praises, depending on preference,
- masses of people then hoisting you to their shoulders and carrying you at the forefront of a mob, off into the sunset,
- as aeroplanes make sweeping arcs of smoke in the sky that read,

Doctor, Doctor, Doctor.

25 comments:

Sisyphus said...

Yeah, it feels exactly like that. On the inside.

Now if someone could make me care about doing the work of prepping for the job market, it would be helpful.

Ken and Belly said...

Congratulations! (that's an understatement ;)

Arbitrista said...

Wheeee!

dr four eyes said...

Precisely.

Congratulations!!!!

Flavia said...

No elephants, butlers, or Blue Angels over here--but I do have 1/3 a bottle of very good gin!

Some portion of it will be drunk in your honor tonight, I promise you. Congrats.

k8 said...

Congrats!

Susan said...

Don't we all wish! But I hope you have your own celebration, even if a little scaled back from this marvellous image! Congratulations!!!!! (I'm sure all your faithful readers will lift a glass tonight to you.)

Dr. Crazy said...

WOOHOOO!!!!! HUZZZAAAHHHH!!!! I'm so happy for you!!!!! (And am drinking wine in your honor... or because I'm a drunk. Hard to know :) )

medieval woman said...

Way to go!!! Dr. Coggy!!!!!!!

Many many congrats - look forward to meeting up at MLA...

Fretful Porpentine said...

Yay you!

Tree of Knowledge said...

yay! huzzah!

kermitthefrog said...

hey, congratulations!

Sue said...

and a chorus of angels bursting forth singing Haaa-lle-lu-jah!

Hilaire said...

Hurrah!! Congrats. And you're damn right that that's how it should be. My wine tonight has been in your honour. :)

Bardiac said...

The blue angels were actually doing fly-bys here yesterday, and now I know it was to honor you!

Congratulations!

Maude Lebowski said...

see, i knew there was a reason i had to have wine last night! all three glasses are retroactively in your honor!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS!! it feels so fucking good doesn't it?

squadratomagico said...

I'm glad it felt that way inside, at least!
Many Congratulations!

heu mihi said...

Congratulations! You rock!

CR said...

congrats S!

Jeremy Hilary Boob, Ph.D. said...

Huzzah! Sing Hosanna! Doctor Sisyphus! Many, many congratulations.

adjunct whore said...

dr. sis!!! you've always been a doctor in my mind. congrats to you.

Sisyphus said...

Thank you everyone! May your own careers be equally showered with elephants and giant inflatable balloon animals!

undine said...

Congratulations!

September Blue said...

(belated) congratulations!

Horace said...

My God I'm late! Hooray for you and your very large brain. I shall cry Oyez Oyez for you, and lavish all praise to you. I will not kiss your feet, but you probably didn't want that anyway.

In short: you rock.

And those on the other side of the JIL will soon know axactly whom they're dealing with.

And they shall be impressed.

(Otherwise, some smiting may happen).