You'll never believe it, but it's raining! Enough to get the streets wet and actually require the windshield wipers on, which means of course that the accident rate in California has just gone through the roof. And I know, because I was just (stupidly) driving out in the rain shortly after dark (even more stupidly) and people are just not slowing down or paying any extra attention, despite the fact that driving in the rain is dangerous and all their fellow Californians on the road are stupid. Ah well. I survived. I became furious at least fifty different times and started immediately lecturing nonexistent passengers on general driver stupidity. As I have said before, it's a good thing I can't blog the various driving snafus I witness because this blog would be devoted to nothing but traffic bitching.
In other news, I am very tired, I have been working hard at sending out my job applications and yet it feels like I am not getting nearly enough done, I found a worse-than-typo in an already-sent letter ----- a sentence which appeared in one part of the letter reappeared in almost identical form as a transition on the second page ---- and I am refusing to check just how many letters I have sent out this way, and I don't have anything to do in the evenings these days because my eyes hurt and I don't want to think and I have almost no activities here that don't require looking at something and thinking about it. But if I just crash at 9 pm I'll wake up and be irritable around 3 once again. And there's nothing on even at 3 am.
I'm pretty burnt out on the whole job thing. Whereas I was obsessive and terrified the first year I applied for jobs, and panicky the second, and the third time kinda felt good and went smoothly, like I had finally learned the ropes (unfortunately with no success), this time I'm just unable to care. And that's a bad thing when it comes to quality control of the apps, or even just sending them out. Fuck tailoring. Fuck including any apt details about your programs that indicate I have exhaustively researched your institution and discovered in my heart the myriad ways my teaching and research approaches mesh with your mission statement. Fuck listing potential course titles and describing how the classes on your books match my teaching experience. Fuck even the "your job posted on the MLA Job Information List," fuck "cordially," fuck even spelling out my university's name for fanciness's sake; I need that fucking half line to cram another mote of teaching philosophy in there.
I vaguely remember blogging about how I almost didn't finish, refused to finish, my dissertation with less than a chapter and a month to go ---- how I've always had this incredible problem with finishing things. I'll be incredibly invested and anxious and freaking out about, say, a final, writing and working away at it furiously, and then something will just click and I'll feel myself go, I can't do this anymore, I'm done, and I'll get up and turn it in unfinished, right there in the middle of the sentence. I do this with deadlines all the time if I'm not careful. I have to make sure that a conference paper or seminar paper is in acceptable form long before the deadline and I'm just polishing it, or else I won't have anything to present when that little thing in my head goes click and I just walk. Well, now I'm feeling it pretty strongly with the whole job search thing, with academia, with everything. Fuck that shit. And so I'm fighting it but it has come awfully early in the process, considering I haven't even sent out most of the apps yet. I hope that I don't just send my stuff out but actually force myself to bother with doing a good job on it.
Ah, who am I fucking kidding? It won't make one whit of difference.