Thursday, June 3, 2010

Ambivalence (indecisiveness?)

I think I told about the time my whole family was taking the Myers-Briggs personality test together (yes we are geeky like that) and I was stumped on one of those "pick which word out of four best describes you." None of them seemed to have anything to do with me; they were all actively wrong and horrible, like ___ baby-killer ____ narcoleptic ____ narcissist ____ decisive. I remember thinking, very clearly to myself, "Well, I'm not decisive," but all the other options seemed actively insulting to me, and not me at all. So I wrote down "decisive (?)" and my sister happened to look over my shoulder and caught me, and laughed so hard she fell off the chair.

So, yes, I'm not decisive. Piledriver, maybe, but not decisive.

Of course, you know what that means: I am waffling about here and there on the whole move thing. At least I know myself: I have told everyone I come into contact with about the move because telling people is how I make things real, and it is harder to go back on these types of decisions once I have announced them.

I just had some grad students over yesterday, trying to unload my crappy furniture on them. They admired my nice little apartment and how cozy it was and how great the view was. And all of this is true. It made me want to "just stay another year" and "somehow find something," because they have managed to cobble together things and I like my place and I like this place. But on the other hand, I hate this kitchen and I hate all my furniture and I hate most of all my high rent rate and I know deep down that moving back home would allow me to get on top of my finances and think seriously about my long-term financial health, which my grad school friends are about five years behind me on, in both age and in that they are just ABD and dealing with the "cobbling" stage of grad school for the first or second time.

Besides, usually nobody wants to hang out or get in touch with me and I am mostly in the company of my cats --- telling everyone that I am going to move is bringing everyone out for the goodbyes and I am more social than usual. If I were to stay, it would all go back to usual. And really, what would I do? This is a great place to live, yes, but not a place that is easy to find work.

So I am being a little sad and regretful at this point. And avoiding more packing. I think I need a nap.

The other thing is that the moment I posted my "what the hell should I be doing right now?" post the other day, I immediately went and checked the JIL (nothing) and the Chronicle (hmm, something!) and found some more late stuff to apply to. Seriously, people? How late are you running your freaking searches?! I can see this for the visiting positions (and I have a few bookmarked), but there are still generalist tenure track positions being listed! Crazy! What are those search committees thinking?

And what am I thinking? Do I really want to apply for yet more damn jobs? Well, from the standpoint of, I am tired and burnt out on this whole process, no, but on the side of, as my sister says, "of course you want options! of course you want something with a salary!", yes, I do want to apply more. Sigh. I really do hate that waiting/limbo feeling though, and sending out new apps would put me back in that position. I guess I'll apply to them though, and assume I won't get them (because I can't deal with planning the logistics of Operation Basement otherwise) and just keep on keepin' on. Sigh.

But first, a nap. I'm decisive at least about that.

7 comments:

Anastasia said...

"So I wrote down "decisive (?)" and my sister happened to look over my shoulder and caught me, and laughed so hard she fell off the chair."

this made my day. I laughed so. hard.

Ink said...

Ooh! I know the answer to one of them: some places are running their searches later because the line unexpectedly opened (e.g., someone decided to leave but didn't say so until the end of the year; money that was frozen became unfrozen; another search didn't work out and is being reposted). We have had several searches during the summer at my school.

Flavia said...

On a slightly different subject: what happens to your cats when you move back in with your parents? Didn't you say once that one/both of your folks was seriously allergic?

Not that I'm not anxious for your imminent triumph over adversity and the haters--which I know will come! and which I think will be more easily achieved without your current financial burdens!--but I think of your cats every time you mnetion moving home.

pocha said...

Keep on keepin' on. Golden. And, really, what else is there? OK, that was all kinds of cliché. Sorry.

Fie upon this quiet life! said...

I totally understand the ambivalence about moving.

My landlord showed our house today, even though he knows that we might not be moving. He'd already scheduled these showings by the time we told him I have an interview, so he figured he'd go ahead with them. While the people were going through the house (with us there), I started getting totally wistful about the house and our memories here. I mean, we moved here when eldest was merely six months old, which is how old baby is (almost). And we lived here when baby was born, and all sorts of other things. So the memories got me today, and they seemed tied to the house. It's just a house, though. The deal is, we get to take our memories with us.

But I get it. I totally get it. Sigh.

Susan said...

The other thing is that until people are sure how many students they will have next year, they don't know how many lecturers they need. At a meeting several weeks ago, the person who coordinates our writing program said he didn't know yet how many lecturers he would be adding this year.

So we wait...

Sisyphus said...

Interesting!

But wouldn't the WP director want to already have done some interviews/phone interviews of the prospective candidates, even if s/he oouldn't hire them right away? Especially if the call included mention of summer teaching?

Fun, fun. Happy May Revise!