Ok, finally and at last I have broken my streak of inertia and once again applied to a job! Here's hoping someone on the committee believes I am an outstanding scholar of kumquats and elephants.
What's that, you thought I specialized in Tigeral Studies? Shuddup! They might hear you! Just because the title of my dissertation and all my publications include the word "tiger" doesn't mean that I don't have extensive theoretical knowledge in the realm of elephants. Theoretical as in, why no, I have no practical experience in that field but I always thought it was interesting. As in, I've used kumquat-based elephant traps in the classroom lots of times, just never in a course with that in the title and never got around to posting up my snazzy interactive teaching website demonstrating my expertise in the area of Defense Against Fruit. So it just cheezes me off to no end when I see jobs posted that I actually have done everything they want in the past, it just doesn't show up in an obvious way on my cv. Of course, I know that with this market there is someone out there who loves elephants and kumquats and that is the title of their dissertation and half of their articles have the word "elephant" in them and the other "kumquat" and clearly, that is the person who should get the job, except that then I go to conferences or the MLA and overhear people who say that this other random person whose cv doesn't even match as closely as mine ended up getting the job because "his research looked interesting."
So, dammit, now is the time for that person to be me! Especially since I know (and more importantly, one of my committee members knows) a couple people on that faculty and I am preparing to pull every string possible and take advantage of every unfair advantage I can find. Come on, nepotism and insider connections! Don't crap out on me now! Of course, there is the minor drawback that there is actually a person like in that last paragraph enrolled at my alma mater and if connections can get anybody something, it would probably be this guy who specializes in pachyderms and pomegranates, but, hey, I've gotta do this; it's my closest shot!
No wait, what am I saying? This is a hellofa long shot! WTF am I thinking, that they're all going to be doing coke right before looking at the job apps? Wait... maybe if it was coke provided by my committee member when name-dropping how I'd be a perfect fit...
Oh just fucking hit send already! Send! SEND!!!!!!! Don't overthink it! Long shot, schmong schot --- it's all Hail Mary passes in this economy. I'll send it out tonight and deal with some sort of plan for how to properly bribe 21st-century search committees in the morning.