(metal guitars begin crunching in the background, then squeal into full-on 80s-hair-band glory.)
D-90X ---- a Revolutionary Home Dissertation Program
In just 90 days, you can take a dissertation draft and build it into the manuscript you’ve always wanted. Only got a few pages? No problem! Have endless unorganized pages of notes? No. Big. Deal! Because the secret proprietary formulas in D-90X, will teach you How. To. Bring It!!!
(screeee! go the guitar tremolos.)
You don’t need gyms or fancy NEH fellowships to get truly amazing dissertation results. All you need is paper, pen, a computer, an aluminum bat, a chair, and about an hour a day. With the amazing D-90X system, your dissertation will become ripped, ripped, ripped!
The special two-part system of D-90X puts you through intense reps of Hard. Core. Theory. building your strength and toning your dissertation until it ripples along every paragraph. Using celebrity trainer Sisyphus’s patented “mental confusion” scientific breakthroughs, D-90X will have you constantly changing up your theoretical approaches to keep burning that mental energy. Switching between Agambenian crunches, Deleuzean pull-ups, Jamesonian curls and Butlerian chest flys, the D-90X program will never allow your dissertation progress to plateau!
With the second part of the D-90X program, masked assailants will come to your home, tie you to your chair, and beat you with the baseball bat until you complete the requisite number of dissertation pages. This highly effective method of training ensures that you will write an increasing number of pages every day!
D-90X ---- guaranteed to produce results!
Already have a dissertation? This program also works for shaping flabby dissertations into completed book manuscripts! Don’t forget the no money back guarantee! Only D-90X can give you the power to turn this:
Send money to Academic Cog today! And harness the awesome power of D. 90. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!
(Reverb goes crazy as a giant psychedelic X flashes big-small-big in the center of the tv screen.)