I am such an idiot. I am such an idiot. I am so pissed at myself.
Forget the CC school applications. I am just not on top of the app process like I was for the fall round of MLA stuff. With being worn out by teaching two classes, or at least struggling to keep on the ball with them, I haven't been setting aside a specified chunk of the day to work on applications all in a pile. Instead, I've been taking time whatever night I am not too tired or obsessed with procrastinating on the internet or frantically prepping for a class because I accidentally read the wrong day's reading that afternoon to do an app here, an app there. This means I've been relying on the fact that the CCs here use electronic application processes and have been squeaking them out one at a time the night before they are due. None of this on the ball and get them in to the search committee early business here. It costs, too. Because I often don't figure out that I need letters and not simply names of references until the day before they are due and end up making emergency requests for the dossier to be sent out at the last minute for a zillion bucks. And I am probably out of the running for those places considering that my app will not be complete when the HR people go to look in the cabbage patch for the magical electronic arrival of job applicants. Sigh. And I had to overnight mail an app somewhere else too, so I'm doing a shitty, rush job and paying through the nose for these badly-put-together apps to arrive late. Fuck.
At that rate, you'd think, Sisyphus, you may as well just give up and not apply if you are going to do it badly and expensively. Go rewrite your article or damn, at the least get out and enjoy yourself. I've been coming around to that way of thinking myself and letting CC deadlines go by on the right and the left. Since they were either obnoxious application burdens or in places I would have to convince myself I wanted to be there, I wasn't too worried. But tonight I went through the process for this one place because I really would like to live there and work there; if I'm going to be teaching comp at a CC, this would be a nice location, and a nice body of students, to work with. But, no. This application is a mail-in app only. I'd need the finished app and my dossier to all arrive by noon tomorrow. Fuck. That just isn't happening. I'm not killing myself tonight for something that just is not going to work. As I said before, fuck.
And what am I going to do to feed myself and the cats next year? I have no fucking clue. I just hope that whatever bridge I find to build my cardboard box under will allow me to pay in California IOUs, because I don't think I'm seeing actual money any time soon anyway,
Once more, with feeling: Fuck!