Sigh. This summer class is going to be like a lead weight around my neck for the whole session, isn't it? I spend the whole day feeling bad, that I should be working on grading and finishing the prep for that last week of class, and I don't do it. And, really, course work is never really "done," during a session, so even if I do work on it, this leaves me making myself feel bad about not working "enough" or not being "done" for the whole damn duration. Hmm. I don't know if I can make myself not feel that, considering how long this pattern has existed. On the other hand, I want to work on my procrastination patterns and get into the habit of just doing the grading right away, and that's a long-standing pattern as well. On the other other hand, maybe the idea of changing long-term procrastination habits is just as futile as changing how I have feelings of guilt and dread around grading.
I dunno. What do you think? That I've been watching too many tv shows with pop-psychology and I am psychologizing myself in silly ways? You are probably right.
In other news, I am still feeling stuck and confused about my article. Today I read (reread, actually) a historian on that topic and thought about things. Yesterday night I called my sister and lobbed ideas at her head for a long time. It felt good. I used to do this all the time, with writing projects or my dissertation or love life problems or (even more frequent) roommate problems, and my sis is great at being supportive and asking questions that then help me rethink the situation. I didn't figure out my quandary yet, but I told her my main idea for the article and she said, "cooooooool." Which, yeah, that could be her blindly being supportive, but whatever, it made me feel good, which is important when I'm feeling stuck and slow and like I will never finish my summer to do list.
Just like I have made mixed progress on the research and teaching front, I have done ok, but not consistently well, with diet and exercise (I am going to actually bore my readers to death, aren't I? Oh well.). I have done some nice walks and hikes and yoga (still on the to-do list: go to the beach!) but I have also skipped plenty of days. And I am watching portion sizes and eating less ---- the conference weight I gained is gone, but I am still at the very top of my acceptable usualy school year weight range ---- but I am eating total processed crap. Seriously. My parents eat processed Wonder Bread, Velveeta, Minute Rice, Steak-Ums ---- any oversalted crap with high fructose corn syrup as the top ingredient. I guess that's ok since I eat lots of fresh stuff and beans and rice that I cook up myself when I'm at home. And beer. We'll pretend that if it's local, craft beer it's good for you. I had wanted to miraculously lose tons of weight this summer, and it is going down by a little, but, again, I am frustrated.
Furthermore, while I am complaining ---- oh yeah, I should rant about how my parents are driving me crazy, except I just finally put it all out of my mind in a state of zen-like forgetfulness ---- it seems like everybody has left blogland for the summer, and nobody is posting! Post interesting stuff, everybody! Lots of it, since I check the internet obsessively whenever I am attempting to force myself to do class prep/grading! Grumble, grumble.
Ok, I am watching those "I'm buying a house" shows and am, as usual, completely confused by these single professionals without family/kids and the size of the houses they are always looking at. Don't they think about how hard it's going to be to furnish and fill a huge house? To clean it? There's this obnoxious chick --- ok, I know I have been singing the praises of California, but yes, Californians are obnoxious and this chick who is moving from San Francisco to Austin just so she can afford a house is one of the most annoying, self-centered, ohmigaaaawwwd! Californians ever --- but she is buying a house with like 3 bedrooms and a living room and a dining room and an informal living room (den?) and an upstairs bonus room and I'm like, WTF, lady? You are going to have three floors and be the only person in here? You can be only on one floor at once! I just do not understand. On the other hand, I hate Criminal Intent and NCIS and that's all that is on in the evenings, so I watch these shows and yell at them for exercise. I am strange.
Any interesting procrastinating I should be doing? Point me to some silly websites. Alternately, you can fix my article.