Ok, I'm going to steal one of my own comments and post it here, even though that might be cheezy. But first, a little background.
Do you remember trying to choose your dissertation topic? And then trying to actually write about it, without having done any research on it yet, in a plan/prospectus/proposal/project submission? I bet your answer was Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP NOOOOOO THE PAIN BURNING BURNING BURNING
or something like that. And if I've resurrected heinous, long-forcibly-repressed traumas, oops.
The point is, picking a dissertation topic and then actually explaining what you will do is hard. It's pretty much unlike what you do as an undergrad or even in the early stages of grad school. Dissertations are big unruly projects, so you ask different questions and give them different structures than seminar papers (and if you were one of those .02% of people who already knew their topic and then wrote chunks of the diss in all their required seminars: pththtthththth! Even the people I know who tried to do that ran into various unforeseen problems though.)
Our grad advisor at the time I was flailing about had a very simple metric to test our proto-dissertations by: you needed an X in a Y, where an X was a theme or issue or problematic, and Y was a contiguous field of texts. So, for example: nose-picking in eighteenth-century literature would be an X in a Y. Once you have this, you have your single-sentence dissertation blurb for at cocktail parties, assuming you go to the kind of boring cocktail parties where people actually ask you about dissertations.
I could say more about this step (including how it is nowhere near as "simple" as that grad advisor always claimed to write up) but instead I'll jump to the next stage, which is where you actually have to flesh out what parts of "eighteenth-century literature" you would be working on, what sort of archives or types of sources you would be exploring (ie are you looking at nose-picking in relation to science and medicine? the economy? gender? philosophies of the sublime?), and how would you justify 1) the study of your X at all and 2) the relevance of X, the necessity, to connect your X and your Y (plus the side point of "why are you studying X in Y time period and not Q time period?" which I am always being asked. Grr.) Suddenly, you need, if not an argument, then something that looks reasonably like one. You need verbs and connections and the ability to make large but not sweepingly large statements using more specific terms than "in mainstream society."
At a certain point, you have stared so long at the shreds of your proposal and a pile of books you don't even see anymore that you don't know up from down and feel completely crazy. WTF do I need to define? What can I assume my readers are familiar with? Everyone knows about the Great Pickers' Debate that ended with the murder of bookseller Mortimer G Whufflebottom of Grub Street, right? Do I need to explain why that's important? What about "literature"? Fuck! Do I have to define that? And meanwhile you are trying to figure out which version of heavily-annotated proposal draft pages go together because you dropped them, all 47 versions, and your advisor used the same color pen on all of them. What to do? What to change? I don't even have a clear picture of what I'm doing here anymore!
All of this is a long lead-up to me pointing out that Lucky Jane is going through this (from the advisor stage --- I hadn't really thought about how I must drive my advisor crazy from her perspective before, huh) and that I suggested that sometimes rewriting one's proposal or argument in a completely different format can help clarify your point or get you past writer's block. But really I was busy having fun trying to imagine things to translate a prospectus into.
So, let's play a prospectus game! What interesting and useful ways might you re-write a prospectus to get a different handle on it? Or, perhaps you are an evil and capricious advisor, or possibly more like the vengeful god of the old testament. In which case, what would be the most horrible or absurd or wrenchingly bizarre way you might command your minion to re-write a prospectus?
Here's what I have so far:
Could you write it out in heroic couplets?
As a dinner invitation and grocery list?
The opening statement of a murder trial? (hmm, are you presenting for the defense or the prosecution?)
The overture to a tragic opera?
A letter to a long-lost brother explaining what you've been up to?
Portray it through interpretive dance?
haiku?
How about a zen koan?
Maybe paint it in a medieval tryptich?
A mathematical formula?
The proceedings of the Congressional hearings?
Assembly instructions for a futuristic widget?
I could probably come up with even more. But instead I turn it over to you! Please put suggestions in the comments. Impersonating sadistic, insane or completely-out-of-it thesis advisors is highly encouraged.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
Circular Reasoning
I have stuff to do. I don't feel like doing it; I want to do something else. But I don't do the fun stuff, because I have stuff to do, and that makes me feel guilty when I want to do something else. And then the not doing the fun stuff makes me feel so crappy that I don't feel like doing the stuff I have to do.
Thus in a nutshell has been pretty much my experience of grad school. It's especially bad right now as I've gone back to my chapter at the same time everyone I know skipped town for a Presidential Valentine weekend ---- that makes me think of Hallmark cards with pictures like this on them, except maybe with a bouquet instead of a hatchet ---- and thus there's no one to take a break with. Usually when I feel so wound up that I can't even make myself slack off, leaving me staring dully at the computer and counting down the minutes until the next day, when I will be doing the exact same thing, then I know it is time to skip town and go camping. Or at least head out for a mindless movie. But no one is around! Grah! Argh! I don't want to go camping or movie-ing alone. And campus was closed this weekend, so I haven't even run into random people to have human interaction with. I think I'm going stir-crazy. (Ok, ok, I know I had some people over for a (very quick) movie session on Sat, but please, I'm whining here!)
Once I get into the circular mode of guilt and ennui, nothing looks good. Well, just give up and watch one of your DVDs or Greenecine picks ----Nah, I can't be bothered. Ok, go hang out somewhere? ---- And do what? I don't want to do anything. Hmm. Go shopping or out to the beach? --- Meh. I don't feel like doing that either, and if I tried it I'd just feel guilty and miserable about not doing my diss work. Fine then! Why don't you read back through this book and figure out what you need to put in that paragraph? ----- Whah-ah-aah! Not that! God no, I don't want to stare at that stupid paragraph any more! Hmm, work on your conference paper? (squalls of misery) Uh, look at the other chapter? (wails louder) This thing? That one? Apply for more jobs? MwaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, ok (jingles keys) Calm down, you're fine, you're fine, that's a good cog there...
You know you've come to a sad place when talking to yourself is actually a sign that things are going well, as opposed to baby-sitting your own id. These days, I wish I talked to myself. At least I got paid in pizza and soda when I dealt with this back in high school. (jingles keys again) Rock-a-by cog, up in a tree...
I obviously need more to do. Or some sort of hobby. No, better yet, some horribly onerous and mindless task that would drive me to work on my dissertation for hours in the hopes of avoiding it. (Nope, grading's done, before you suggest it.) Maybe it sounds counter-intuitive, but I think I work better when I'm overscheduled and rushed and flustered and I don't have time to overthink things, just hurry through them bam bam bam. Of course, all that stress and overwork and ignoring the self is bad for me too, but when I have lots of open time filled with nothing but dissertation deadlines, I feel too behind and under the gun to stop things and exercise, but there's always time to walk to the refrigerator and have a bite of something. Or maybe I'm just not doing enough drugs. Ritalin, Valium; up the energy and focus or mellow out the overthinking until I just don't care anymore ---- you choose; it's six of one, half a dozen of the other.
In other news, it turns out I started blogging a year ago back at the beginning of the month, but I missed the anniversary. Seems fitting, since I didn't notice the various impending holidays until I tried to schedule up some activities with my friends and discovered no one was around. Thinking back on it, this may also explain section attendance this week. Hmm, yes, I see you, you little finaglers; since when is there a "Valentine Week" vacation in our schedule? Now it all makes sense.
Humh. This should get better once I have meetings and assignments and people to deal with at school this week. But anyone have any advice for getting out of the circles? Any straight lines, off-ramps? Magic beans that would let me climb out of this situation entirely?
Thus in a nutshell has been pretty much my experience of grad school. It's especially bad right now as I've gone back to my chapter at the same time everyone I know skipped town for a Presidential Valentine weekend ---- that makes me think of Hallmark cards with pictures like this on them, except maybe with a bouquet instead of a hatchet ---- and thus there's no one to take a break with. Usually when I feel so wound up that I can't even make myself slack off, leaving me staring dully at the computer and counting down the minutes until the next day, when I will be doing the exact same thing, then I know it is time to skip town and go camping. Or at least head out for a mindless movie. But no one is around! Grah! Argh! I don't want to go camping or movie-ing alone. And campus was closed this weekend, so I haven't even run into random people to have human interaction with. I think I'm going stir-crazy. (Ok, ok, I know I had some people over for a (very quick) movie session on Sat, but please, I'm whining here!)
Once I get into the circular mode of guilt and ennui, nothing looks good. Well, just give up and watch one of your DVDs or Greenecine picks ----Nah, I can't be bothered. Ok, go hang out somewhere? ---- And do what? I don't want to do anything. Hmm. Go shopping or out to the beach? --- Meh. I don't feel like doing that either, and if I tried it I'd just feel guilty and miserable about not doing my diss work. Fine then! Why don't you read back through this book and figure out what you need to put in that paragraph? ----- Whah-ah-aah! Not that! God no, I don't want to stare at that stupid paragraph any more! Hmm, work on your conference paper? (squalls of misery) Uh, look at the other chapter? (wails louder) This thing? That one? Apply for more jobs? MwaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, ok (jingles keys) Calm down, you're fine, you're fine, that's a good cog there...
You know you've come to a sad place when talking to yourself is actually a sign that things are going well, as opposed to baby-sitting your own id. These days, I wish I talked to myself. At least I got paid in pizza and soda when I dealt with this back in high school. (jingles keys again) Rock-a-by cog, up in a tree...
I obviously need more to do. Or some sort of hobby. No, better yet, some horribly onerous and mindless task that would drive me to work on my dissertation for hours in the hopes of avoiding it. (Nope, grading's done, before you suggest it.) Maybe it sounds counter-intuitive, but I think I work better when I'm overscheduled and rushed and flustered and I don't have time to overthink things, just hurry through them bam bam bam. Of course, all that stress and overwork and ignoring the self is bad for me too, but when I have lots of open time filled with nothing but dissertation deadlines, I feel too behind and under the gun to stop things and exercise, but there's always time to walk to the refrigerator and have a bite of something. Or maybe I'm just not doing enough drugs. Ritalin, Valium; up the energy and focus or mellow out the overthinking until I just don't care anymore ---- you choose; it's six of one, half a dozen of the other.
In other news, it turns out I started blogging a year ago back at the beginning of the month, but I missed the anniversary. Seems fitting, since I didn't notice the various impending holidays until I tried to schedule up some activities with my friends and discovered no one was around. Thinking back on it, this may also explain section attendance this week. Hmm, yes, I see you, you little finaglers; since when is there a "Valentine Week" vacation in our schedule? Now it all makes sense.
Humh. This should get better once I have meetings and assignments and people to deal with at school this week. But anyone have any advice for getting out of the circles? Any straight lines, off-ramps? Magic beans that would let me climb out of this situation entirely?
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Random Bullets of Merlot
--- is it Merlot? I think it's Merlot. Huhm. I'd have to check; I tossed the bottle in the recycling already. I think it is.
Everyone has left --- we watched an art movie, and it was Slow, as befits Deep and Meaningful Things --- and in the interest of not letting anything go stale, I poured the last of the wine into my glass and now I must finish it. Considering that the glass was fairly brimming, it may be a while. And I've finished reading everyone's blog stuff which now leaves me in the awkward position of either creating my own blog-related amusement or going to bed ---- which I was going to say was silly, it being only 10:30, but I'm noticing that the wine is having its effect and I am getting tireder by the minute, so trundling off to bed would be only logical were it not for the fact that I don't know how to pour the last of the wine back into the bottle, which brings us back to waste.
Have I mentioned how I love periodic sentences? Truly, no one should ever have to come to a conclusion of any sort. The dash --- or even the semicolon-dash --- is the only punctuation worthy of mention, with the exception of the commas, those wonderful, bourgeois little fuckers.
But typographic marks were not my point tonight. What was? Hurm. Oh wait --- I have no point tonight. Righto. Well, then I can complain about my friends, who all left after the movie instead of entertaining me. This is a problem ---- all my "advanced grad student friends" are leaving me, either to go off to wonderful jobs or move back in with their parents/long-distance significant others after graduating (not that I haven't thought of that, but I'm not quite ready to give away the cats, which would be required by my dad's asthma). The "middle grad student friends" are all hitting the tough part of seminars and midterm grading right now and so don't want to hang out or do anything fun like us ABDs do, who have more flexible schedules and fewer immediate deadlines. And the newbies, as I believe I have already mentioned, are all getting drunk with their undergrads and then bragging about it or criticizing their professors' seminars in public department spaces, which is so unlike my style that we won't ever hit it off well enough to want to hang out. The fact that I've told them to shape up and act more professional surely doesn't help either.
The upshot of all this is that, whereas I turn into a pumpkin at midnight, everyone else seems to be pumpkining at 9 or 9:30 and leaving me all alone. Sad, truly it is.
What else? Well, even my cats have forsaken me ---- Loquito to sleep and Timidio, naturally, to hide under whatever furniture would most convince my visitors that there were no cats in the house. Really, he does exist --- I just haven't gotten any external corroboration for it yet. Oh yeah, and when I was cleaning stuff up for my visitors I was struck by how all the cheap crap in my place is falling apart. (Yes, this is related to the earlier point. My cats eat/chew/scratch everything I own.) My brilliant plan was to just keep all the cheap assemble-it-yourself stuff I got back when I started my first grad program, lo these many years ago, and then trash or just give away most of what I own when I went off to my brilliant tenure- track job. Well. The timeline has come to that point, but there is no job in the offing. And so I keep looking in frustration at a couch with big holes chewed in it or bookshelves that are bowing and pulling away from the back piece or just the generall raggedyness of various towels, rugs, and curtains. Right now I'm kinda sick of it all --- the threadbareness, the style, the colors --- more than I am sad about not having a job, so consider this a new and different point of whining, and I may just up and buy some things soon regardless of my earlier plans, so don't pity me or think that I'm in my post-MLA funk. This is an entirely new funk right here, and one that's layered with all sorts of anti-capitalist and environmentalist anxiety. (Even if I had a job I'd be worrying about if I needed new widgets.)
I think I mentioned in an earlier post, though, how I recently was looking on craigslist and noticed that my town's shitty rental rates meant that I am living in a place currently cheaper than the studios are going for right now. And places near my parents as well as places in the "sketchy' poor parts of SoCal are no cheaper! Gah! I'm not against living with a SO but going out on the hunt just to find someone to get serious enough about we could split the rent doesn't seem like the wisest idea. So I'm not sure then what to do with myself next year ---- it doesn't seem to actually be a benefit to moving if I wanted to adjunct locally. So, no need to move + no money to buy nice new stuff leaves me with all my boring cheap 10-year-old assemble-it-yourself crap. Sure, tell me not to be so materialistic and I'll tell you to duct tape some holes in your sofa and bed and see how long you're content. So, I may buy or fix some things with money I don't have just because I want to be happy here, and because I can stay and think of it as home a bit longer.
I have just noticed that this post has no actual bullets and that pleases me immensely. Since I'm barely keeping awake as it is, I'm going to pound the last of this wine and go to bed. Happy dreams of highly significant, slow silent tracking shots to one and all!
Good night everyone! Be sure to leave me exciting future blog fodder in the comments!
Everyone has left --- we watched an art movie, and it was Slow, as befits Deep and Meaningful Things --- and in the interest of not letting anything go stale, I poured the last of the wine into my glass and now I must finish it. Considering that the glass was fairly brimming, it may be a while. And I've finished reading everyone's blog stuff which now leaves me in the awkward position of either creating my own blog-related amusement or going to bed ---- which I was going to say was silly, it being only 10:30, but I'm noticing that the wine is having its effect and I am getting tireder by the minute, so trundling off to bed would be only logical were it not for the fact that I don't know how to pour the last of the wine back into the bottle, which brings us back to waste.
Have I mentioned how I love periodic sentences? Truly, no one should ever have to come to a conclusion of any sort. The dash --- or even the semicolon-dash --- is the only punctuation worthy of mention, with the exception of the commas, those wonderful, bourgeois little fuckers.
But typographic marks were not my point tonight. What was? Hurm. Oh wait --- I have no point tonight. Righto. Well, then I can complain about my friends, who all left after the movie instead of entertaining me. This is a problem ---- all my "advanced grad student friends" are leaving me, either to go off to wonderful jobs or move back in with their parents/long-distance significant others after graduating (not that I haven't thought of that, but I'm not quite ready to give away the cats, which would be required by my dad's asthma). The "middle grad student friends" are all hitting the tough part of seminars and midterm grading right now and so don't want to hang out or do anything fun like us ABDs do, who have more flexible schedules and fewer immediate deadlines. And the newbies, as I believe I have already mentioned, are all getting drunk with their undergrads and then bragging about it or criticizing their professors' seminars in public department spaces, which is so unlike my style that we won't ever hit it off well enough to want to hang out. The fact that I've told them to shape up and act more professional surely doesn't help either.
The upshot of all this is that, whereas I turn into a pumpkin at midnight, everyone else seems to be pumpkining at 9 or 9:30 and leaving me all alone. Sad, truly it is.
What else? Well, even my cats have forsaken me ---- Loquito to sleep and Timidio, naturally, to hide under whatever furniture would most convince my visitors that there were no cats in the house. Really, he does exist --- I just haven't gotten any external corroboration for it yet. Oh yeah, and when I was cleaning stuff up for my visitors I was struck by how all the cheap crap in my place is falling apart. (Yes, this is related to the earlier point. My cats eat/chew/scratch everything I own.) My brilliant plan was to just keep all the cheap assemble-it-yourself stuff I got back when I started my first grad program, lo these many years ago, and then trash or just give away most of what I own when I went off to my brilliant tenure- track job. Well. The timeline has come to that point, but there is no job in the offing. And so I keep looking in frustration at a couch with big holes chewed in it or bookshelves that are bowing and pulling away from the back piece or just the generall raggedyness of various towels, rugs, and curtains. Right now I'm kinda sick of it all --- the threadbareness, the style, the colors --- more than I am sad about not having a job, so consider this a new and different point of whining, and I may just up and buy some things soon regardless of my earlier plans, so don't pity me or think that I'm in my post-MLA funk. This is an entirely new funk right here, and one that's layered with all sorts of anti-capitalist and environmentalist anxiety. (Even if I had a job I'd be worrying about if I needed new widgets.)
I think I mentioned in an earlier post, though, how I recently was looking on craigslist and noticed that my town's shitty rental rates meant that I am living in a place currently cheaper than the studios are going for right now. And places near my parents as well as places in the "sketchy' poor parts of SoCal are no cheaper! Gah! I'm not against living with a SO but going out on the hunt just to find someone to get serious enough about we could split the rent doesn't seem like the wisest idea. So I'm not sure then what to do with myself next year ---- it doesn't seem to actually be a benefit to moving if I wanted to adjunct locally. So, no need to move + no money to buy nice new stuff leaves me with all my boring cheap 10-year-old assemble-it-yourself crap. Sure, tell me not to be so materialistic and I'll tell you to duct tape some holes in your sofa and bed and see how long you're content. So, I may buy or fix some things with money I don't have just because I want to be happy here, and because I can stay and think of it as home a bit longer.
I have just noticed that this post has no actual bullets and that pleases me immensely. Since I'm barely keeping awake as it is, I'm going to pound the last of this wine and go to bed. Happy dreams of highly significant, slow silent tracking shots to one and all!
Good night everyone! Be sure to leave me exciting future blog fodder in the comments!
Friday, February 15, 2008
This is why I go for the tousled-curly, slightly punk look*
I don't know what's happened to my alarm clock ---- most days the time I get up isn't an issue, but I like to get up at a consistent morning time to feed the cats and at least pretend to get right down to work --- but for some reason I woke up on my teaching day this week with 30 minutes until section started.
Eep.
Don't forget I have to drive and park on campus too. I don't know how I managed to get dressed so fast and still look ok, if perhaps a little too clubby for teaching (think black mini and boots), but I got in there in time to throw all my stuff down on the table and announce I was going hunting for coffee. And I made it back before the bell rang. Whew!
Of course, I was starving and unwashed and with the remains of the day before's eyeliner that hadn't come off completely made me look somewhere between sexy rock star and rock- star- trying- to- make- a- comeback-out-of-rehab- but-actually-headed-straight-for-late-night- infomercials, but it all worked out ok. Thank god I tend to pack up my bag and stuff the night before! The lesson from this little adventure is that prep is totally overrated. At least, when you're TAing ("Ok, what was the most important point from Prof. Wonderful's lecture last week?" is always a valid discussion opener. And you can always remember more without rereading than they can pick up when they're prepared.)
Unfortunately I came home and couldn't find one of my cats. Turned out I had shut the door on poor Loquito when he was investigating the shower drain and had run out before noticing. They're not allowed in the bathroom because they want to try and climb the shower curtain, but when I finally found him, there was no evidence of destruction. Poor kitty! But it's all good.
That's all I have to report for this week. I'll go double-check my alarm, that's for sure. I'm treading water on the grading and able to breathe through my nose again, but haven't worked on the diss in a while. I need to dive back into that crap. I hope that the couple weeks away from it will give me a fresh perspective for how to quickly and easily revise away all the problems.
*Ok, while theoretically I love this look, I find it too much work to keep up. Usually I dress as boring Gap-preppie as possible, because I don't have to think about it and I don't get crap from people and in lots of situations I just don't want to be looked at. The chinos and fuzzy sweater I'm wearing right now are the sartorial equivalent of wallpaper --- I don't have to think about matching or appropriateness and don't get shit from my students. Just remember that on the inside I'm dressed like Vivienne Westwood, The Banshees, or the members of The Slits.
Eep.
Don't forget I have to drive and park on campus too. I don't know how I managed to get dressed so fast and still look ok, if perhaps a little too clubby for teaching (think black mini and boots), but I got in there in time to throw all my stuff down on the table and announce I was going hunting for coffee. And I made it back before the bell rang. Whew!
Of course, I was starving and unwashed and with the remains of the day before's eyeliner that hadn't come off completely made me look somewhere between sexy rock star and rock- star- trying- to- make- a- comeback-out-of-rehab- but-actually-headed-straight-for-late-night- infomercials, but it all worked out ok. Thank god I tend to pack up my bag and stuff the night before! The lesson from this little adventure is that prep is totally overrated. At least, when you're TAing ("Ok, what was the most important point from Prof. Wonderful's lecture last week?" is always a valid discussion opener. And you can always remember more without rereading than they can pick up when they're prepared.)
Unfortunately I came home and couldn't find one of my cats. Turned out I had shut the door on poor Loquito when he was investigating the shower drain and had run out before noticing. They're not allowed in the bathroom because they want to try and climb the shower curtain, but when I finally found him, there was no evidence of destruction. Poor kitty! But it's all good.
That's all I have to report for this week. I'll go double-check my alarm, that's for sure. I'm treading water on the grading and able to breathe through my nose again, but haven't worked on the diss in a while. I need to dive back into that crap. I hope that the couple weeks away from it will give me a fresh perspective for how to quickly and easily revise away all the problems.
*Ok, while theoretically I love this look, I find it too much work to keep up. Usually I dress as boring Gap-preppie as possible, because I don't have to think about it and I don't get crap from people and in lots of situations I just don't want to be looked at. The chinos and fuzzy sweater I'm wearing right now are the sartorial equivalent of wallpaper --- I don't have to think about matching or appropriateness and don't get shit from my students. Just remember that on the inside I'm dressed like Vivienne Westwood, The Banshees, or the members of The Slits.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
I am SO behind
it's not even funny. (whimper) Picture me trying not to hyperventilate here, with big sad puppy eyes and a trembly lower lip. Like the sad look Puss 'n Boots uses as his weapon in Shrek. Not that I actually look like that right now, but because I find it amusing to imagine me sounding like Antonio Banderas. Heh.
It is a sad thing when you say you feel absolutely disgusting and that is an upgrade in your condition. I'm hoping that I will be able to breathe lying down tonight because it's so hard to sleep when you've got 8 million pillows under your head. But then again it's hard to sleep while not breathing. So, in a word, current status: miserable. (A huge improvement from the weekend. Oh yeah, and no more fever.)
So I have a pile of papers yet to be graded, and now I have midterms as well, and I have section prep to do and the week's reading to catch up on ... hmm ... I should probably reverse the order of those when I actually get around to doing it. I did not turn in a draft of my chapter today like I planned, because I have not worked on it even in the slightest since Friday, but since I did not tell my advisor that she would be getting a chapter draft today, she is blissfully ignorant of the fact that I missed this deadline. Grumble grumble. I went through my list of VAP and spring job ads that I'd pulled and crossed off a whole bunch ---- because their deadlines are far in the past, sigh ---- and there are still a bunch due this week, so this morning I ran around hastily compiling some applications and sent some off. More await. And I haven't gone back through the various job lists in a little while, so I bet I could find even more. Gack. I wish I knew what I was doing for food and rent next year already, because then I could be spending all that time finishing the dissertation and getting stuff off my plate. Oh yeah, and my abstract was accepted for a conference, but that means now I'll have to write the paper for it at some point. More helpings on the plate instead of finishing anything off. Intellectually I know that branching out a bit from my dissertation is a good thing, especially because I'm trying to convince people that my wide-range of teaching subjects actually relates to my position as a scholar, but I feel like I don't have the time right now. Well, I probably never will have "enough" time if it comes down to that, so I should just suck it up. When I'm well, I have the energy to do that. Right now, I have to stare at the empty breakfast bowl, going, "damn, it is a long way to the sink. Maybe I should rest a bit before carrying it over there."
Oh yeah, and a lot of the other departments I have worked for are calling for TAs and lecturers right now for next year, so I need to get on that and figure out how to apply for those positions too, if I want to scrounge together enough classes to just stay here next year. I'm a big wuss when it comes to travel and striking out into new situations, so that sounds easier and more comfortable than taking a pissant VAP or adjuncting somewhere across the country, but when I compared the per-course pay rate to my rent (I'm in an expensive part of an expensive state, yo), getting the hell out of dodge seems more attractive. (ooh, have I missed the call for the local CC already? Gotta check that out too.)
Sigh. No rest for the wicked, that's for sure. No, wait ---- I'm going to get a snack and then take a nap before dealing with lecture and section. Just try and stop me.
It is a sad thing when you say you feel absolutely disgusting and that is an upgrade in your condition. I'm hoping that I will be able to breathe lying down tonight because it's so hard to sleep when you've got 8 million pillows under your head. But then again it's hard to sleep while not breathing. So, in a word, current status: miserable. (A huge improvement from the weekend. Oh yeah, and no more fever.)
So I have a pile of papers yet to be graded, and now I have midterms as well, and I have section prep to do and the week's reading to catch up on ... hmm ... I should probably reverse the order of those when I actually get around to doing it. I did not turn in a draft of my chapter today like I planned, because I have not worked on it even in the slightest since Friday, but since I did not tell my advisor that she would be getting a chapter draft today, she is blissfully ignorant of the fact that I missed this deadline. Grumble grumble. I went through my list of VAP and spring job ads that I'd pulled and crossed off a whole bunch ---- because their deadlines are far in the past, sigh ---- and there are still a bunch due this week, so this morning I ran around hastily compiling some applications and sent some off. More await. And I haven't gone back through the various job lists in a little while, so I bet I could find even more. Gack. I wish I knew what I was doing for food and rent next year already, because then I could be spending all that time finishing the dissertation and getting stuff off my plate. Oh yeah, and my abstract was accepted for a conference, but that means now I'll have to write the paper for it at some point. More helpings on the plate instead of finishing anything off. Intellectually I know that branching out a bit from my dissertation is a good thing, especially because I'm trying to convince people that my wide-range of teaching subjects actually relates to my position as a scholar, but I feel like I don't have the time right now. Well, I probably never will have "enough" time if it comes down to that, so I should just suck it up. When I'm well, I have the energy to do that. Right now, I have to stare at the empty breakfast bowl, going, "damn, it is a long way to the sink. Maybe I should rest a bit before carrying it over there."
Oh yeah, and a lot of the other departments I have worked for are calling for TAs and lecturers right now for next year, so I need to get on that and figure out how to apply for those positions too, if I want to scrounge together enough classes to just stay here next year. I'm a big wuss when it comes to travel and striking out into new situations, so that sounds easier and more comfortable than taking a pissant VAP or adjuncting somewhere across the country, but when I compared the per-course pay rate to my rent (I'm in an expensive part of an expensive state, yo), getting the hell out of dodge seems more attractive. (ooh, have I missed the call for the local CC already? Gotta check that out too.)
Sigh. No rest for the wicked, that's for sure. No, wait ---- I'm going to get a snack and then take a nap before dealing with lecture and section. Just try and stop me.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Blarg! Misery! Misery, I say!
I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm hot, I'm cold, I ache everywhere, my head is a big ball of nasty mucus ---- misery, I say! I went to bed around 9 last night. I am a most unhappy cog!
I have no energy to think and certainly none to do all the work I am supposed to do this weekend --- I don't think revising under the influence of cold medicine would be very beneficial, and I definitely am not up to dealing with the piles of grading. Gah! Why me??? (whines) Whyyyyyy me?
I don't care how long I've been in bed; I'm going back. I wish I had trained the cats to fetch me tissues and tea, or at least clean up their litterbox after themselves. It's looking bleak in here. Somebody post something entertaining and easy to comprehend on their blog so's I can read it. Please let this be over soon. I don't have the time for this! I don't have the willpower either.
I have no energy to think and certainly none to do all the work I am supposed to do this weekend --- I don't think revising under the influence of cold medicine would be very beneficial, and I definitely am not up to dealing with the piles of grading. Gah! Why me??? (whines) Whyyyyyy me?
I don't care how long I've been in bed; I'm going back. I wish I had trained the cats to fetch me tissues and tea, or at least clean up their litterbox after themselves. It's looking bleak in here. Somebody post something entertaining and easy to comprehend on their blog so's I can read it. Please let this be over soon. I don't have the time for this! I don't have the willpower either.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Grumph. Maybe I need some Red Bull...
Working hard yesterday, I decided I needed a snack from two of the most important food groups: salt and caffeine. Then when I was in the snack food part of the student center I was unable to pick something ---- unfortunately, I looked at the ingredient list of some candies, and was squicked out that every clear candy is basically high-fructose corn syrup. I ingest way too much of that as it is through soda. (I gave up regular candy years ago. Dark chocolate, however, is not candy, but the Elixir of Life.) I noticed that everyone else in line with me was buying Rockstar and Red Bull, so it must be midterm time. That stuff tastes like industrial cough syrup though. I can't imagine actually using it.
I had so much to do yesterday. (And even more today, because I didn't get my stuff done.) I'm freaking out about my chapter and want to get a draft of it in this Friday, except when I counted my subsections, even if I finished one subsection a day it that would be past Friday. Yesterday I got a lot done unbolding problems on one section, but I didn't finish them all. Grumph. Grah. Maybe turn it in on Tuesday?
I worked about three hours on it and was quite proud of myself, since I usually can't stretch it that long. (I have a limited number of moments to successfully write transitions and topic sentences per day.) This was early in the morning. Then I read for class and got most of it done. Then I looked at the stack of papers I needed to grade if I was going to be on track for handing them back.
Then I looked at the stack of papers I needed to grade if I was going to be on track for handing them back.
Then I looked aw, fuckit. I wonder how the primary returns are shaping up? And I clicked over and read blogs too.
Then I had student meetings and sent students emails and had a TA meeting which ran late into the night.
So all of this is to say that I finally put together everyone's comments about how hard it is to do research while on a heavy teaching load ... something which I've always said I understood but thought, "but what if you just crammed a little block of writing early in the morning? I'm sure grading takes different brain muscles anyway." Doesn't matter. Sitting there and writing takes all my willpower and then there's none left to do something else unpleasant. I can see how if you have lots of classes, the effort of forcing yourself to keep up on the grading takes priority. And I didn't even have to write the lecture for yesterday, just listen to it.
I need to:
I had so much to do yesterday. (And even more today, because I didn't get my stuff done.) I'm freaking out about my chapter and want to get a draft of it in this Friday, except when I counted my subsections, even if I finished one subsection a day it that would be past Friday. Yesterday I got a lot done unbolding problems on one section, but I didn't finish them all. Grumph. Grah. Maybe turn it in on Tuesday?
I worked about three hours on it and was quite proud of myself, since I usually can't stretch it that long. (I have a limited number of moments to successfully write transitions and topic sentences per day.) This was early in the morning. Then I read for class and got most of it done. Then I looked at the stack of papers I needed to grade if I was going to be on track for handing them back.
Then I looked at the stack of papers I needed to grade if I was going to be on track for handing them back.
Then I had student meetings and sent students emails and had a TA meeting which ran late into the night.
So all of this is to say that I finally put together everyone's comments about how hard it is to do research while on a heavy teaching load ... something which I've always said I understood but thought, "but what if you just crammed a little block of writing early in the morning? I'm sure grading takes different brain muscles anyway." Doesn't matter. Sitting there and writing takes all my willpower and then there's none left to do something else unpleasant. I can see how if you have lots of classes, the effort of forcing yourself to keep up on the grading takes priority. And I didn't even have to write the lecture for yesterday, just listen to it.
I need to:
- finish the last of this week's reading
- prep for section
- grade 10 (?) essays
- get stuff ready for a paper norming session
- do the stuff I said I'd do about the midterm
- help set up a guest lecture
- clean the huge pile of filthy dishes in the kitchen
- oh yeah, either finish revising that chapter subsection or jump into another one
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