Monday, October 1, 2007

Advisor Watch 2007!

Folks, if you’re just tuning in to K-COG you are in for some exciting times. A low-pressure front moving in from the north, coupled with vast temperature changes stemming from the incoming marine layer means that we are scheduled to see some actual advisor sightings any time now. Our forecasters tell us that we should see sprinklings of advisor sightings and graduate advisor sightings, with even a few committee members, before this front pushes them further into the Southland, where, Academiforcaster Bob tells me, there will be torrents of advisor appearances, it will be, almost literally, raining advisors later this month. Over to you, Bob.

Bob: Yes viewers, it is just as Jim has been telling you. Although we don’t see any actual advisors at this moment, academicorological conditions predict that soon, very soon, we will be deluged in advisors --- and not a minute too soon, Jim, for California has been in a drought of advice and we really need advisors for those thirsty little job candidates to grow! Back to you, Jim.

Jim: Why don’t you explain, Bob, for the benefit of our viewers, exactly how you’ve been tracking the advisor developments. Could we see the maps?

Bob: Of course Jim. Here you’ll see a very promising local map without the pressure systems, but with the advisor clusters marked in green.

Jim: Uh, Bob. I’m not seeing any moving masses of advisors there. Am I missing something?

Bob: We have every confidence that the advisors, despite all evidence to the contrary, are appearing and are indeed moving this way!

Jim: So … we have recorded hallway sightings then, Bob?

Bob: Not a one, Jim.

Jim: What about our email Doppler radar, Bob?

Bob: We’ve sent out multiple missives but have not yet recorded any contacts.

Jim: Coffeehouses?

Bob: Nary an advisor in sight.

Jim: The preschool?

Bob: It’s like a virgin wilderness, free from even the shadow of an advisor.

Jim: Bob, weren’t you telling me that advisors were sighted at the recent department party?

Bob: Uh, no Jim. I forgot to go to that. Sorry about that. But we do have the perfect academicorological conditions for the appearance of advisors any day now.

Jim: But you were at the job market meeting, Bob. Do you have any footage of at least Job Placement Advisors, if not the perfect storm of Dissertation Advisors with Attendant Committee Members?

Bob: Well Jim, funny you should say that. You would think that, with the time of day, the wind, the UV index, the title of the meeting, it would have been the perfect conditions to see some JPAs, but, surprisingly, there were a dearth of advisors present at that meeting. Crowds turned out for the historic occasion but there were only sprinkles of job market advice. … But we have GPS satellites scanning the area and email tags primed for tracking and we are ready to leap into action at the first glimpses of an advisor!

Jim: So, Bob, what you are telling me is that none of our scientific instruments have sighted any advisor activity and there are absolutely no signs of advisors on the immediate horizon … why, then do you think that, contrary to all the evidence, advisors will appear?

Bob: Well, it’s the right season, isn’t it?


Hilaire said...

Hee - hilarious!

Though I'm sorry if it reflects some horrible job-market anxiety. Cause that's no fun.

Flavia said...

F'ing brilliant.

In my experience, Advisor Activity, like an earthquake, is difficult to predict--and it usually happens when you're least prepared for it.

(So maybe you should go stand next to a china cabinet, or something.)

Earnest English said...

You are fabulous, Sis. Just fabulous.

St. Eph said...

Have faith! The Advisor Front is moving westward. I have confirmation of at least two sightings (one with both ground contact and conversation) and one e-mail appearance.

Goodness, this is just what I needed to make this 6 a.m. wake-up call less entirely horrible.

gwoertendyke said...

you are hilarious and absolutely insane. it is official. so when are going to leave that big state and come hither to visit? seriously, i'd love to meet you at mla. if only so you can make me laugh in person.

Belle said...

Thanks for the head's up; I surely don't want to do anything to impede the end of the drought.

Be sure to pack your hip boots; when the advisors move in the BS levels will increase as the excuses rain down.

Sisyphus said...

flavia, it definitely works that when I am unprepared, underdressed and goofing off in an inappropriate way with fellow grad students, that is when an advisor always makes an appearance.

st. eph --- I hope the advising continues to make progress; I hate it when it peters out before it makes it over the mountains.

AW --- aiiigh! No pressure there! I'm often not funny when people point at me and go, you be funny now! Seriously, do you want to meet someone who is either puking on people or a bundle of job anxiety at MLA? Cause I have a feeling, whether its going well or terrible, I'm not going to be fit to live with.

and belle, I'm hoping for a gentle sprinkling of advising, not a mudslide. But you're right to warn me, so I'll keep an eye out for when the ground begins to shift from underneath.

gwoertendyke said...

i'm sorry, there is no pressure to be funny...and of course i'd love to meet you--as long as you don't puke on me. are you giving a paper also?

Dr. Virago said...

BAhahahahaha! You what really adds the extra funny to this? It's the dead-on impersonation of the extraordinary lengths of exaggeration that "Southland" weatherpeople go to say "it's raining outside." A drop falls from the sky and suddenly it's STORMWATCH 2007 with their DOPPLER7000 INSTA-STORMTRACKER (caps intended, as they always seem to shout these phrases). Too funny!

Phul Devi said...

I didn't see this one the first time around -- thanks for reviving it! It is truly classic!