Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Introducing the Awe-Inspiring D-90X!

Academic Cog offers the exclusive, Exclusive, EXCLUSIVE new program, D-90X! Turn your dissertation from scrawny to ripped in 90 days or no money back!

(metal guitars begin crunching in the background, then squeal into full-on 80s-hair-band glory.)

D-90X ---- a Revolutionary Home Dissertation Program

In just 90 days, you can take a dissertation draft and build it into the manuscript you’ve always wanted. Only got a few pages? No problem! Have endless unorganized pages of notes? No. Big. Deal! Because the secret proprietary formulas in D-90X, will teach you How. To. Bring It!!!

(screeee! go the guitar tremolos.)

You don’t need gyms or fancy NEH fellowships to get truly amazing dissertation results. All you need is paper, pen, a computer, an aluminum bat, a chair, and about an hour a day. With the amazing D-90X system, your dissertation will become ripped, ripped, ripped!

The special two-part system of D-90X puts you through intense reps of Hard. Core. Theory. building your strength and toning your dissertation until it ripples along every paragraph. Using celebrity trainer Sisyphus’s patented “mental confusion” scientific breakthroughs, D-90X will have you constantly changing up your theoretical approaches to keep burning that mental energy. Switching between Agambenian crunches, Deleuzean pull-ups, Jamesonian curls and Butlerian chest flys, the D-90X program will never allow your dissertation progress to plateau!

With the second part of the D-90X program, masked assailants will come to your home, tie you to your chair, and beat you with the baseball bat until you complete the requisite number of dissertation pages. This highly effective method of training ensures that you will write an increasing number of pages every day!

D-90X ---- guaranteed to produce results!

Already have a dissertation? This program also works for shaping flabby dissertations into completed book manuscripts! Don’t forget the no money back guarantee! Only D-90X can give you the power to turn this:

Into this!

Send money to Academic Cog today! And harness the awesome power of D. 90. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!

(Reverb goes crazy as a giant psychedelic X flashes big-small-big in the center of the tv screen.)


Sisyphus said...

I've been watching the infomercial channels again. Sad but, they might be more entertaining to me than actual programming right now.

And did you know it is very difficult to take a picture of your own bicep curl? It's true.

Arbitrista said...


Bardiac said...

I like that your bicep curl involved The Body in Pain.

Earnest English said...

I just love you, your Royal Cogness.

I need an express order so that I can write this article. I'm ready for the assailants!

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha! This is awesome! I happen to love the P90X, so I would most certainly buy this product, too. You could do an Article Writing Insanity, too--like P90X lite, you know, it's only 8 weeks I think and no weights involved.

I often quote Tony Horton in my classes, too, when it comes to draft and peer review time: "Do your best, and forget the rest."

You're awesome.

PS, do you have a starting from scratch version? I'm not shaping up my diss at all. So maybe I just have to cycle through the D90X three or four times. Oddly, this has inspired me to restart the P90X today. Thanks for inspiration on all levels!

Anonymous said...

P.P.S.--I feel like a tool, btw, for seriously referencing the actual workout.