Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The straw that broke the camel's --- foot. Or the foot that broke the camel's straw. Or something.

8:15, people. That is plenty of time to get to campus and finish up some homework marking before a 9 am class. And especially when I live so close!

The first problem came when I tried to get into my car this morning. Huh, I thought I pushed the little remote button. Nope, the passenger side is definitely not unlocking. I am definitely pressing things. Ok, well I'll use the key ... why does the passenger side not have a keyhole? Does this somehow save money? Protect me from evildoers? This is bizarre!

Well then, unlock the driver side and throw the enormous pile of stuff across the way instead of dumping it in from a more convenient angle. I've got plenty of time; I'll just troubleshoot this damn lock for a few minutes. Nope, there is something definitely going on wrong with that lock and it is not unlocking from inside or outside the car for any reason.  Allrightythen. Who needs passengers? Off to class.

Drive drive drive and I'm here, great. I'll just grab this enormous pile of stuff in my arms, scootch my way awkwardly out of the car and start doing that ever-so-difficult "walking" motion towards the building. Bamf! Why did I just faceplant? Am I really incompetent at walking???

I look back to discover my sandal is still back there a few feet behind me, the front thong strap that holds all the rest of the straps having ripped right out of the footbed. Dammit! Re-load everything and what is left of the coffee back in the car while not using the passenger door and start driving back home, since I do not have spare shoes stored in my office and there is no way I could get through an entire day of teaching and running around. (Note to self: get spare shoes for office emergency stash. Maybe stock spare clothing and a flask and a punching bag as well.)

But wait, what time is it? How did it get to be 8:45? Where did the time go aaaaaaaah! It is time to do 80 down the State Road and pray to hit every green light on the major cross street and arrgh construction! Who put construction on the other side of the highway? Arrrrrgh!

Lookit the clock, lookit the road, back and forth again while yelling obscenities at any drivers in front of me, speed limit signs I am passing, red lights, the damn shoe I threw in the passenger seat, random pigeons (fuck you pigeons! my life sucks right now! fuck you and your smug little head-bobbing walks!) and the curvy part of the road where you have to slow down. Screech into the parking lot, leap out of the car and hobble one-shoed to the apartment, slam the door open and yell at the terrified, rapidly-retreating cat for no reason, fling the other shoe across the room and utter a few "motherfucker!"s just for good measure, sprint down the stairs to my closet and grab a pair of flats that so help me God if you break or stretch or fall off my feet for ANY reason I'm giving you a beatdown are closest to hand. Sprint upstairs and fling self into the car at a run. 8:53? Shit!

Back again, back again, same way I just came, same expletives, same lights (possibly different pigeons), slam out of the car with enormous pile of crap and proceed to race-walk my way in for a quick stop at my office and grab what I need for class.

But wait! Who's this dude walking up on a diagonal collision course toward me? It's a student! Must be my student: "Hello there Mrs. Cog! I figure I must not be late if I'm getting there before Teacher!"

Reader, I punched him. Or wait, I think I just did that in my head. I'm not sure. It's just all been a downhill blur from there.


Earnest English said...

Thanks for that homage to Jane Eyre!

But that is a seriously bad start to the day. I hope it got better after that.

Anonymous said...

Laughing so hard as to cry as I read this. I've had days like that but rarely seen them captured with such vivid (and hilarious) detail. Thank you.