Ok, I am going through many many emotions about this turn of events, but I am not too sad. It is a question of fit, and I agree with that. To tell the truth, I was idly thinking about selectively applying out this year anyway, but I am also overworked and tired and trying really really hard to adjust myself to the location, community and local students --- to bloom where I'm planted. The frustrating, humiliating thing is more that they got to release me first, and I have to admit that I have failed at something, rather than I get to spring on everybody my move to someplace bigger and better (or at least better fitting me).
Oh yeah, I haven't told any family or friends yet. Sigh. It would just be better if I had been able to announce job interviews and a new position first. I might still do that.
The biggest emotion I am struggling with by far, of course, far more than anger or sadness or even relief, is PANIC PANIC PANIC OMG I WILL NEVER WORK AGAIN AND WILL STARVE IN A DITCH BEING GNAWED ON BY MY CATS AIIIIIIIGH!
Yeah, I wouldn't work out well in a high-risk, high-turnover job. I totally need the 9-monhth extended job interview season to plan that far ahead and ride the waves of alternating panic and euphoria.
Thing is, if I am not a good fit here, then I am not a good fit many many places ---- and I am at the mercy of whatever jobs get posted in a market that has only gotten shittier and scarier with time. I have also gotten much more picky, now that I have a job. I mean, I don't any more as of next year, but it is not so quick to undo my whole raising of standards and expectations thing.
See, I am in the West. And I like that. And I am in a town, and I have found my smallness limit. And I am not toooo far from family to drive although hopping on a regional aircraft would be easier. Ooh, and I'm right here at a regional airport. So when I looked through the Chronicle and IHE for a quick pass through of jobs that haven't closed already .... dude, a lot of your jobs out there kinda suck. I'm just not interested in moving to the midwest to a tiny town and a school that is only 1000 students and is 2 or 3 hours from a major airport. I did the whole three-transfers-and-a-full-day-of-flying to go visit family in CA and got tired of it. And to be harsh and brutally honest (probably the reason I am being nonrenewed) I bet that a tiny private nonselective school that I have never heard of and that has nothing around it would probably have the same standards, and thus I run into the same problems, as my cc. On top of that, I am already used to my lovely CC salary and small privates seem to pay much less. And the place I posdoc-ed started the Asst Prof in English at 47K when I was there, so I know things are low.
But on the other hand, if I am not a good "fit" for this community college, and it's just me, like me as a person or some fundamental aspect of my personality, then how would I get any other community colleges to take a chance on me? Wouldn't I be a bad fit there as well? Most of the MLA type market has passed already, so I was assuming I would apply out to the ccs that are closest to my family's home. I am not qualified to get into a four-year school's writing program except as a lecturer (no comp/rhet PhD) and those pay way less. And my family is in the Bay Area, so even if I were to land one of those CA cc jobs I am looking at struggling to make ends meet and never buying a house or anything. Argh. Sigh.
So I am mentally constantly whizzing back and forth between terror and feeling that I have some sort of fundamental personality flaw that will prevent me from even barista-ing at Starbucks and feeling like the jobs listed are a step down, or at least a step away from what I want. I just have this thought that I shouldn't be going backward in lifestyle, you know? I'm sure that as unemployment looms closer I will change my tune on this, but it's just adding to my sluggish response in finding some apps and dusting off my job materials.
Yeegods and I'm gonna have to figure out how to address this in a letter and references too. And I think I let my Interfolio account lapse. Dammit.